Archive for July, 2011

Match Stick Destiny

Saturday night. I was falling asleep at 5:30 and my face is the color of something you left in the oven to long. And something I thought I could do in secret and for some reason have decided to share… I ate 5 honey biscuits for dinner. YEP… 5!!!! No regrets at all. I figure if it goes to my hips, at least my waste will look smaller. My great philosophy anyhow.

No plans, no dates. 26, and actually finally quite content with the way I look in sweat pants. I decided to make up my bed before I actually got in it tonight. It’s a way of being nice to myself, so I don’t have to spend the night struggling for the covers that are already fallen off the right side of the bed. (Which of course means I spend most of my sleeping time on the left.)

Billie Holiday comes on my pandora and sings “It Had To Be You” Which of course makes me think of some sweet Meg Ryan movie where the man finally catches her up and kisses her the way we always hoped he would… makes a woman think no matter if you are married or single, I sure could use one of those.

I have been up and down in relationships since I was 17. And there are moments i’m finally content, and moments where I just can’t seem to understand what a single man is talking about. Well this post has nothing to do with men, but simply as I have said before… You have to learn to appreciate yourself. Even if you think no one else has. Say nice things, believe that you are what your momma says you are, even if she is bias… tonight after I made my bed I decided i’d make myself some hot tea, listen to a little Ella Fitzgerald, and light a candle. You know, that thing 26 year old girls do at night when they feel a bit romantic… I walked into the bathroom to get the pack of matches, but couldn’t find it. For a moment I was like “really?” All I need is a match. Well good thing I finally saw the box in the cabinet. But it was light-weight, meaning empty. But I opened it up, and saw but one match left. It made me smile. The gesture was the same as someone handing me a dozen roses. Some are lucky in love, and I am lucky tonight. Even with a little candle light tuck in… God see’s and cares… even about your secret bedroom moments. He knows what you need when you need it. Maybe not always extravagant, but extravagant can’t be measured by size of the article itself, but how it makes the recipient feel. And how it changes them… sometimes piece by piece.

Corny maybe… lol I’m glad I can be.

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Sometimes… and listen to the crickets.

The woods made me think of the Robert Frost poem “Stopping By The Woods On a Snowy Evening.” The trees closed in around me… close to sucking up any oxygen that was graced for me. All I could do was run and look at my feet. It was dark and lonely. But I deserved dark and lonely… at least that is what I felt at that time. I understood the meaning of compassion during this moment in my life. The moment where every kind of human grace should be dismissed, then somehow you sit under the night sky and feel raptured by nothing but grace itself. The simple sound of crickets sings you to sleep and makes you feel whole once more, even if it is only for a moment. A moment of safety… isn’t that what we sometimes scream for. One moment to feel safe, secure, loved, cherished?

Tonight I heard a song on the radio, and it took me back to that very moment in the woods. I relived it all over again as we sometimes do. But even tonight… I was thinking about the word sometimes. Sometimes can be a negative. Sometimes I greatly dislike my nose. Sometimes I don’t want to stay, I just wanna fly far away. Sometimes I wish that one person had not said that one simple thing that I let take control of my day. Something they probably didn’t not think twice about. Sometimes…. sometimes happens. But then in all the bla and junk of our day, we come home and hear that one song. We sit in the chair on the porch and look up at the stars… and SOMETIMES, we once again feel that the very oxygen is being taken from our lungs, but given back with more strength and courage. Maybe that is why when you get stressed out people say take a deep breath. You let it all go thinking to yourself “no I can’t, I won’t, please don’t let me fall.” But when you start to draw in you hear “You can and I will for you, and I’ll never let you fall.” It’s a flood of compassion.

When I sleep tonight, HE will sing over me. Glad I understand fully what that means. I’m getting to that place where I finally realize that it is worth the trouble it went through to get there.

I hope you listen to this song tonight before you crash. Breath out and in… and dont worry about mastering life. Let him sing over you the way you wish your grandmother still did… back when you still needed sometime to hold you.

The “I knows” and the truth!

I’m one of those people, who when my mom tells me something I think I know, I simply repeat the words “I know” over and over until she gets the point. I’d hate for someone to think that there is an ounce of truth that just maybe I haven’t figured out… but is it possible there are many things that hang in front of our faces and we never actually get the point… see the truth.

Tonight in our girls group we were talking about being authentic and ok with the place we are in. And Renee threw out the question, “Who is it that you are SUPPOSE to be?” Now I knew this question might be important so I scribbled it down on my hand. But it didn’t click until I was scrubbing the river out of my hair. (As I had taken the kids canoeing earlier) I looked down at my hand to see the few words still evident and realized that I was trying to be everyone else, because somehow they were all better than me, than Shelby. Example- (You will probably think of your own as I write this) I have always thought that girls with straight long hair were beautiful. And in my mind to be beautiful, looked like that. So for years I have struggled with my hair to make it look like, what I deem, as beautiful. That was the me I wanted to be. Another, I love to watch Brooke Fraser on the Hillsong worship team. She is someone who I aspire to musically I guess you could say. Her voice, her grace, the songs she writes… all of it is so beautiful and refreshing, and in my mind I often think that if i’m going to be a good worship leader, I must look like that… the shampoo was now burning my eyes because I was having a clouds parting, light bulb flashing kind of moment. All those times I had told people “I know” but I didn’t. I even had an exercise for my youth girls where we picked someone who they held in high esteem, and have them write down all the things they liked about that person. (This was supposed to be so they could study what they liked about characteristics, which was not a bad thing) however it is so wrong to look at someone and think “man if I was just like them, or had their hair, or their voice, or their heart, or their life… I just might be happy.

It was like a tornado of truth tearing into my life leaving a bit of a mess… but not a bad mess. I’m actually excited to expose those things I used to want to cover, because i’m excited to see what Me actually looks like. Now i’m not saying i’m a great pretender, i’ve been Shelby, but at the same time I’ve been torn and beaten down for so long by the many pains and struggles we deal with daily. Indluding lies that the greatest pretender, Satan, wants us to hear. Romans 12:2 Be transformed by the renewing of your mind… As I read the scripture and God speaks in my weakness, my mind, heart, and soul are slowly and forever changed.

The secret of Life? Good cup of coffee? Piece of warm apple pie? Or maybe as Paul said in Philippians 4:11-12 The secret to life is being content in any and every situation. Seeing that you ARE fearfully and wonderfully made. And being ok with those days you didn’t make the choice you should have. A tornado of truth is Jesus, and seems to speak to us when we aren’t sure we can do anymore good. The great thing is, he is Good, and as long as he is mine and I am his, then I can do great things… Philippians 4:13 😉 which I think you know.

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