Archive for June, 2011

Rail Road Track Christmas Trees… The Way To Discover.

β€œThe real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.” Marcel Proust

A quote I’ve used before, however its relevance in my life is fresh. I’ve seen things in the past month I’ve never noticed before. Things about myself, others, and the world around me.

It’s funny sometimes how when I am sitting in my car at a long light, I start to notice things around me that I usually wouldn’t. I look down at a stone on the ground or a group of flowers in the median. And I wonder, “has anyone ever seen you before?” Now I’m not talking to the rocks, lol but just the idea that there is life around us that will never be recognized. This applies with people as well. We see men and women everyday and have never actually SEEN. But if we took a few concentrated moments, we might just discover something that is incredible… someone incredible.

When I was a girl, we always had what I like to call “rail road track Christmas Trees”. Dad and I would take a wheel barrel down the tracks and find the closest cedar with the least amount of branches missing or at least small enough holes that we could cover. There is no way I would have ever traded those moments or that smell. The smell of a new cut evergreen. And honestly, it was beautiful. It wasn’t perfect, the only price we paid was the sweat to cut it down. And I loved to show it off to people. But at night when no one else was around I would go and lay down under the tree and stare up through the lights and branches. I still do this. I’m seeing something in a way no one else has ever seen my tree. And from the most simple act, joy seeps into my life. Learning to discover what others could not see, because we think with the logical mind. We expect people to think we are silly. And you are right, I am silly. You are silly. lol But that is where it starts right. If we could see as a little child again. Discovering a cardboard box could be more entertaining than the all-sufficient Iphone. Guess it comes down to what we choose to see is what we choose to discover.

It’s a wonderful life?

The movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” is one of my favorite movies. I wish we didn’t just watch it at Christmas. I think we all need to watch if often and remember. You are valuable…

Now, I have a busted leg still. And last week I went to awesome Honduras and pretty much had a heartbreaking time. I spent a lot of time thinking about the same stuff i’ve been struggling with for the last two months. Failure and Shame. So how can I sit here and tell you that you are IN FACT valuable? … the broken know how to love the broken. I mean that in this way.

In Honduras, after a morning of medical work, we walked over to a house where we had repaired the roof. There were babies half naked, covered in dirt and sores. And my heart cringed. I was disgusted. Not by the children but the situation they lived in. The roof was caving in, the floors were dirt, and they had one bed between the whole family. There were 8 children, all of which had black, rotting toe nails… I walked over and picked up one of the babies. His face was soft and his nose ran, so I began cleaning him with a baby wipes. I slowly looked over his tiny body for infection and open wounds so we could treat them. The flies kept trying to cover the poor baby… I tried to stay distracted and not look into his eyes. But when I did, I saw so much pain. Broken human spirit. To young to even understand, but he knew. And all I wanted to do was tell him how special, how beautiful and valuable he was. That he was worth more than this. That he deserved clothes, that he deserved love and health. I wanted to give it to him with everything in me. I think the team all felt the same way.

Later that evening, one of the team members mentioned this poor Honduras family. How our Mississippi girls would hold them in their arms and swat the flies away, so that for 5 minutes these beautiful little babies might know what it is like to not have flies landing on their faces, or landing on their horrible open scratches and wounds. They had peace to finally just rest. Just rest… I had to stand up and walk away, because I had finally seen what God had been trying to tell me. “Baby girl you are so valuable to me.” I could see God holding me. Drawn into his arms, swatting the flies away so that I might just have a few minutes of rest. How often do we let him hold us and believe that we are worth the love? There is no way I could walk away from a child in pain knowing I could hold and love them. God is the same. But sadly we often don’t let him because of our stubborn “I can take care of myself mentality.”

The brokenness of that child spoke to the brokenness in my own heart. We have to love people when we are struggling with ourselves. Because we can only see our value as we show them there own. My friends, you may not believe me when you are hurt… but their is nothing that can take the place of you. Your love is one of a kind. And someone like that little boy in Honduras May need it.

To Live Well Is To Change Often

“To live is to change, and to have lived well is to have changed often”
John Henry Newman

Honestly, it bothered me for a while when people would come up to me and pat my back and say, “oh you poor girl.” Poor girl? Me?? No i’m fine!! I’m having the time of my life I don’t need sympathy. lol Those who know me hear the stubborn like it was a bird sitting on your bedroom window. This is something God is working on. I hated to think that any of this whole accident experience was going to drag me down. I wanted to be tough, strong, and prove that I could do it. I wanted to prove to people that I could make it in Vietnam. THat I can make it to Honduras on crutches… that i’m not a mess. Truth. I’ve been broken before, but never like this. This is a whole new case that i’ve never dealt with. It doesn’t have to do with boys, or lack of money, or some horrible mistake that I made and had to pay the piper. At times it overshadows and confuses me. I’ve always been the kind of person to bounce back quickly. Even in the hospital in Thailand I was doing great. God blessed me so much through the whole thing and I found worship as beautiful as God intended it. But a few weeks after I was home, I didn’t struggle with the goodness of God, but struggled where my place in this universe was anymore. How to explain…

Suddenly I feel a couple of years older. Like I went on a very very long trip and then suddenly returned without a plan. I’ve changed, but can’t put my finger on the how. I still have joy, the kind you find on a lonely day when you stick your feet in the grass. But laughter doesn’t come as easy as it did before. And those who knew me before know…. I laugh.

I keep going back to Daniel 4 I think, where the 3 dudes are in the fire and they tell the king, we don’t care if you throw us in the fire, we will not bow down to you. Our God will save us!!! BUT if he does not… we still will not bow down… I know in my heart that God is going to do something amazing through this. I feel it in my bones, even the broken ones. He is good and i’ve not doubted that since the beginning. But even if things aren’t like I think they should be, I still will love no other the way I love and adore him. God.

I was talking to someone one day about independence and the joys that comes with it. They reminded me that guys do not seem to like the independent woman like they like the damsel. lol I seem to play both at the moment. But if I am a damsel, I know who my rescuer is. I actually wouldn’t mind giving up my independence and stubbornness of spirit if HE will be the knight that rushes in.

To live well is to change often… to admit that I am such a mess, and to relinquish this hard headed spirit and be open to a loving God that makes GOOD GOOD things out of horrible messes. I think it’s called fried apple pie πŸ™‚

Through being back in Meridian, Honduras, whatever is to come… I hope that people are willing to see this mess and see God for who he is as he transforms and uses whats left of this person. Shelby Allison, world traveler, lover of all things small and nature filled, recently ran over and returning from what could have been, not such a good thing. Bare with me friends. This morning I have hope.

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