Amy Carmichael said “where He led she’d follow, what He fed she’s swallow.” This same lady who was a incredible missionary to India in the late 1800’s said, “perhaps no part of the cost of being a foreign missionary is greater than the loneliness.”  And though Amy was willing, she would struggle with this most of her days.

One of the hardest things for us to do as Americans, or just as humans in general, is to be still. To be alone. To listen. I think the truth is, sometimes we don’t want to be quiet or alone because we may hear something we don’t like. When you start to focus on something you notice the details, and often, impurities. There is a quote I can’t really remember, but talks about integrity being who you are when you are alone. Who you really are seems to come out when you have nothing to hide and nothing to fake.

So as willing as I am to go, to follow and to swallow… it is much harder to think about being alone. I am torn because I am so excited about the change that will happen in my heart, but i’m afraid at what I may find. Just like when you go down in the basement after months to clean out the corners… but it has to be done.

But as it says in the Psalms, I will lift my eyes to hills. I will watch for God. And I will wait as he works around and in me. I pray to be steadfast. I will be still, and alone, and will be incredibly full of gratitude as HE washes over me with grace.